another sad post

Last week I miscarried at 8 weeks.
It was a scary and deeply emotional week. foggy. I am still processing my feelings about it -around all the statistics I have read and the newness of expecting, and then not. The giddy-ness we felt as we started to tell people we were yet again expecting a baby at Christmas... (God's great sense of humour-our poor planning) background- I am a Christmas baby who has complained a good deal about the fact. And so my children born dec 21 and january 11 have a pretty big deal made of their birthdays to compensate...
Losing this baby has been a profoundly confusing event. painful, physically and emotionally. I feel numbness-like it wasn't real... last week just went by like a dream. I spent much of it bent over double from crazy cramping that sent me to the floor, crying over blood in the toilet... lying numb in my bed while life went on around me.
I went for blood tests not knowing what they were testing for- hormone levels- normal would have been 400, mine dropped from that to 42 within a few days.
The toughest part was the waiting to know "what was what". Not knowing if I should be hopeful, that this maybe just a scary side effect of this pregnancy... it was suggested early in the week that it was a girl, wrecking havok on our boy world already... or if it could be more serious, one of those life threatening ruptured fallopian tube things...

Today I went shopping for a soccer ball, I cut flower shapes out of balogna for lunch, walked in the rain and splashed in puddles and everything seems like normal... not as though we are recovering from tragedy.