another sad post

Last week I miscarried at 8 weeks.
It was a scary and deeply emotional week. foggy. I am still processing my feelings about it -around all the statistics I have read and the newness of expecting, and then not. The giddy-ness we felt as we started to tell people we were yet again expecting a baby at Christmas... (God's great sense of humour-our poor planning) background- I am a Christmas baby who has complained a good deal about the fact. And so my children born dec 21 and january 11 have a pretty big deal made of their birthdays to compensate...
Losing this baby has been a profoundly confusing event. painful, physically and emotionally. I feel numbness-like it wasn't real... last week just went by like a dream. I spent much of it bent over double from crazy cramping that sent me to the floor, crying over blood in the toilet... lying numb in my bed while life went on around me.
I went for blood tests not knowing what they were testing for- hormone levels- normal would have been 400, mine dropped from that to 42 within a few days.
The toughest part was the waiting to know "what was what". Not knowing if I should be hopeful, that this maybe just a scary side effect of this pregnancy... it was suggested early in the week that it was a girl, wrecking havok on our boy world already... or if it could be more serious, one of those life threatening ruptured fallopian tube things...

Today I went shopping for a soccer ball, I cut flower shapes out of balogna for lunch, walked in the rain and splashed in puddles and everything seems like normal... not as though we are recovering from tragedy.

Snake Dens

Last week we went to check out the snake dens at Narcisse. Wow! It was neat. It was a long drive and a long walk, there are many informational kiosks along the way and when it is sunny the snakes are very active so there is a good chance you can get up close and personal (which we nearly did). We touched the back of this guy peeking out of the board walk and came close to holding another one, but mommy got squeamish at the last minute. It was a very cool field trip...but hurry they don't stick around long, you have a week or so to see them before they disperse to their summer abode.

Joining a feminist debate

"feminists proclaim that it's the children who ultimately keep women from experiencing true independence. To become a mother is to become a slave, forfeiting ones work, education, career, wealth and recognition for the sake of raising children."
(an article from Above Rubies magazine, Sarah Brown.)

I am curious of her source in this statement. Her view seems to be primarily that women who fight for reproductive freedom are fighting the wrong war, It's essentially an anti-abortion article. That in itself I have no issue with, but she is making some broad assumptions and generalized claims about feminism and all people who claim the label "feminist".

I don't feel particularily well read or educted in all things feminist... nor do I feel extreme conviction toward any particular "movement" or group ideal, I am on the fence as to whether I claim the label "feminist" for myself. However, this particular article seemed unjust in it's portrayal of generalized feminist belief, adding to the fear and stereotyping of feminism being a bad and scary thing. I think Mrs. Brown's point would have sat better with me had she written something more like... I do not think abortion is the answer to gaining reproductive freedom. Should an individual woman have a need to have that freedom or feel strongly about controlling that aspect of her life... i don't know... but her article made me unsettled.

I personally think society is more to blame for the pressures on women's ideals, for shaping our views of motherhood or roles and responsibilities and the guilt associated with anything we choose to adopt as "right" for me as an individual woman. Not feminism! (nor for that matter christianity/religion) I see that feminism exists to support women in the roles they find themselves in in society, to empower them in the decisions they make for themselves, to create a healthy self-image in a woman who has every aspect of her life challenged daily by a male dominant society.

A society that sensationalizes violence against women (CSI, TOP MODEL), that desensitises us to not even registering the pornography on our bill boards and soap commercials, that teaches our children subliminally that women are objects and produces generation on generation of happiness-seeking, self-destructive, weight pre-occupied girls making poor choices because there's no hope, no support, no one standing up for their rights as humans. AND THEN there are the tragic stories of the "monsters" killing babies... who is supporting those monster girls-hormonal, alone, ashamed, afraid, hopeless? who is empowering them to be healthy- body, mind, spirit? Isn't it easier to put them in the media and make us all jeer at their failures and say to the neighbour 'isn't it just awful what that girl did to her baby?' and hide our own insecurities and fears and scary thoughts of hurting our kids because we don't want anyone to think of us as monsters...

I did say our next topic was vomit... you were warned!

Whether you are pro-choice, pro-life, pro-woman, pro- family, pro-humanity... I believe there needs to be care in the way you portray or place labels. And I think there is a place in feminism for a woman who chooses to release her control of her reproduction to God and looks for definition of her roles and responsibilities in the Bible rather than stereotypes and industrial revolutions...

I for one, am a Monster Mom...(just look at the blood on my kids hands!!!-that was a good day) and to tell the truth I am probably a Feminist too... Oh and I claim the Label of Christian child of God, pro-life, pro-woman, pro-human, pro-kids (lots of them) I could go on...

Okay WOW!!!

Nicole and I took the kids to the park today, our kids are so cute and funny!


My House is coming along...It is actually much further along than this photo suggests, but it is too dark to go take a picture now. It is going to look great when it is done!!! Any suggestions for the front porch? brick? stone?

spring at the sk8 park

I wish I knew how to add video to my blog, I got some great action from all the boys today!

Oh Fragile Life

talk to your kids about death


Okay the heaviness is not over... tonite while visiting friends we got news that mutual friends from Jack's preschool had been in a terrible accident while visiting friends and family in Argentina. The Mother, Matilde and her two sons (friends of Jack and Solomon) Maxi and Niko died in the crash and their father who was driving is still in hospital in Argentina.

I weep as I type this... I don't know how to tell Jack. We haven't seen Maxi and Niko since January. How do I say "remember Niko? and his brother Maxi? they Died. In a car accident just like daddies friend Grant. How do I process this one? how do I tell my baby that life is so fragile even He is losing friends in terrible accidents? How can I ever allow them out of my sight? how can i prepare them for the fragile fragile things of love, loss...

I just want to hold them and cry.

get the kids outside!

The outdoors, specifically the "wilderness" Is where I enjoy being a family the most. watching the boys explore their environment is much more rewarding when it is nature they are interacting with. I am experiencing cabin fever...stuck in the city in the house most of the winter...I long for the spring, the chance to be outside most of the day not just between car trips.
I am sure as the kids get older outdoors in the winter will become more enjoyable but right now I feel like it is just the stress of getting kids dressed and out the door before they overheat and then coming back in in 5-10 minutes with frozen digits due to pulled off
mittens and falling in snowbanks due to the immobility of skipants. It is just NOT FUN! (of course Solomon is my exception, he could play outside in -40 as long as there is a hill to abogganaboggan on)

all this to say I am ready for spring!

mothering

"it was from you that I first learned to think, to feel, to imagine, to believe..." -John Sterling (1806-1844)

What an awesome responsibility to our children we have.
Does this realization cause me to step up to the plate? Do I feel strengthened and encouraged to be more involved, more determined to succeed as a parent?
Truthfully it makes me afraid.
My kids cause me the greatest joy and the greatest fear. They show me who I really am... unfit, unprepared, lost, lazy, selfish...
they bring out in me all the ugliness I wish i didn't have, rage, panic, discontent, resentment...
I have crazy expectations of them despite that I have good knowledge of age appropriate behaviors and I am so easily brought to a state of unbridled emotion (usually negative) by little things... like toys in the hallway, videos out of their cases, the 40 minute boot dance...(getting ready to leave the house)
Joyfully, I am struggling with joyfully today.
I am "joyfully" in my p.j's still at 11 a.m. (I was up at 6) I haven't had a moment to make my bed or dress myself but the kids have been dressed, fed, the littlest put down for a nap, the laundry started and turned over...not folded! (waiting for the made bed to sort and fold the laundry) I did manage a cup of coffee...phew!
mostly I have been biting my lip trying not to go monster-mom as I put away the same dvd's off the floor, step over the baseball bat in the hall, scowling at the toys that have migrated into my sanctuary...
what are my children learning from me today? what am I encouraging them to feel, imagine and believe?
sigh...
I better go get dressed and take out some finger paint...and a smile.