Sunday, July 15, 2007

coming un-done

I am not the warm and sincere person my kids need to nurture them. I feel like all these issues are the same ones I dealt with yesterday and an hour ago and I am running out of ideas to help them listen better to help them solve their own problems. When I see them being impulsive and hurtful to each other I react... impulsively and hurtful... I know they are getting their manipulating skills from my fed up and give up attitude lately. I feel like I am in a rut and I can't see the better way to do things, I can only see forcefully pick that child up and take him to time out. I feel like I can't invest the time to train them lovingly because it always feels like it's falling on deaf ears. I feel selfish, angry, hopeless, tired...
Last night I read about rupunzal getting gifts from the good fairies when she was born and how really it is the parents that need the gifts of wisdom, generosity, tenacity,laughter, initiative, imagination and love. Right now I could use a healthy dose of all of those gifts. (from the intro of Raising Lifelong Learners) The rest of the book is not what I need at this point, as I need some foundation of healthy communication and basic parenting before I worry about reading habits, love for science, math homework...
In my heart I want to be the mom others see me being but I know also that I am failing miserably and I need direction, I need to know I can do things differently and everything I am doing wrong will be fixed. but I don't see differently now. I am educated to know there are alternatives... I was a great preschool teacher, but this is different -SO different, I feel it deeply when I hear my kids being rude to Nana, I take everything personally, every comment, every glance, every interuption, from kindly old ladies telling my kids they should have hats on- to my father in law telling me baby food companies have done research so they know how to feed my babies better than I do... things said years ago... adding to my feeling of inadequacy, there is always someone else disciplining better, there is alway another kid who read at 4, there are comparisons, expectations, opinions... I feel judged and watched everywhere. People expect me to fail because I have 3 boys... and that I have 3 close together, I hear "you have your hands full" every day. My neighbor told me once she talked about me to her family and they all wondered why I was having so many kids- that It was too hard, and I couldn't keep the garden from getting over run by weeds... YES, I am killing my garden and I still can't get my kids listen to me. I am a broken record, I nag all day long. I consciously try to play with them and spend time together and I get frustrated with their bugging each other, knocking things down, talking over each other, not co-operating or hearing. I walk away feeling like I can't enjoy time with them. when I am just watching them play I feel like I have to correct them and guide them constantly. and then I see them bossing each other. I am modelling bossy, when I want "think of others"
(this has been a rewrite of a letter to my sister in law, and I felt like I need to have my feeling out there. Again, I know all these feelings are totally normal "mom feelings" that we all get them to some degree- but I am feeling utterly alone in them right now and struggling to see any good in what I am to my kids)


philter said...

tatoos, yes. YOu don't have any? whats up with that?

Mike Giesbrecht said...

You are a good mom. And a good wife. And a good gardener. And a good teacher. Yes, you have your hands full, but you have beautiful children, who are awesome(despite their gatorade stealing actions) and they are loved deeply by you. Yes I'm your husband and "you're probably just saying that because you're my husband", is not true. I am saying that because you are a great mom. You do more things with your kids in a day, then most moms do in a week. You are concerned about their well being, their learning, their interests, about how they learn and how they react and what works with what kid and on and on I could go. You are awesome, and you do take on big tasks(like going away for 3 weeks with the kids on your own) but you are not afraid of those kind of things. What are seemingly daunting tasks for most mothers, you don't even seem to question the task. You are good and loving. I waited a long time to find a good woman like you. There aren't many out there, and our boys are very priviledged to have you as their mom(and I to have you as my wife.) You are strong. I admire you and love you deeply-

Cyndy roy said...

Hi Tami-Jo,
Glad to see you all made it there safely. I admire you for having the courage and a whole lot of other stuff that it takes to travel afar with 3 young boys. not to mention ALONE without your husband. You truely are an awesome woman!!!
I can relate to your feelings of frustration and the feelings of being an inadequate mother as I have been in your shoes many, many times. You are experiencing so many changes both for yourself and your boys that it is bound to affect you including the way you react to your kids and the way you feel. Your kids have had what they know as there everyday life, whats normal to them, swept from under them and the are reacting different because they really don't know how to express their feelings and are confused. I would just suggest to keep being the wonderful mom that you are and especially right now, let them know that you love them as much as you can and as often as you can. Maybe explaining to them that you too are missing Daddy as much as them will help to calm the ground between everyone. You will have very strong and couragous kids when they get older, because that is what they see in you!
Mike's message made tears come to my eyes so I imagine you had a river. When times get tough, remember how precious those gift from God are! That helps me. Don't worry about being judged by others, or if you feel you aren't doing a good job. Ask them to come and spend a day with you and do what you do in a day, and I am sure any skepticle people out there would surely change their minds.
Enjoy the rest of your trip and we shall talk soon.
You are all in my prayers and thoughts, Cyndy Roy-Unrau