mothering

"it was from you that I first learned to think, to feel, to imagine, to believe..." -John Sterling (1806-1844)

What an awesome responsibility to our children we have.
Does this realization cause me to step up to the plate? Do I feel strengthened and encouraged to be more involved, more determined to succeed as a parent?
Truthfully it makes me afraid.
My kids cause me the greatest joy and the greatest fear. They show me who I really am... unfit, unprepared, lost, lazy, selfish...
they bring out in me all the ugliness I wish i didn't have, rage, panic, discontent, resentment...
I have crazy expectations of them despite that I have good knowledge of age appropriate behaviors and I am so easily brought to a state of unbridled emotion (usually negative) by little things... like toys in the hallway, videos out of their cases, the 40 minute boot dance...(getting ready to leave the house)
Joyfully, I am struggling with joyfully today.
I am "joyfully" in my p.j's still at 11 a.m. (I was up at 6) I haven't had a moment to make my bed or dress myself but the kids have been dressed, fed, the littlest put down for a nap, the laundry started and turned over...not folded! (waiting for the made bed to sort and fold the laundry) I did manage a cup of coffee...phew!
mostly I have been biting my lip trying not to go monster-mom as I put away the same dvd's off the floor, step over the baseball bat in the hall, scowling at the toys that have migrated into my sanctuary...
what are my children learning from me today? what am I encouraging them to feel, imagine and believe?
sigh...
I better go get dressed and take out some finger paint...and a smile.